Must Have Slipped My Mind…

My MRI notes “Mild cerebellar tonsillar ectopia without Chiari malformation.”

In layman’s terms, the back of my brain is slipping into my spinal column ever-so-slightly and putting pressure on things (without having a specific skull defect that can cause that).

So, from now on, if I ever tell you my mind is slipping, just know that no hostages shall be taken, it’s just a headache.

Also, I was told that my MRI was normal. Nobody in my health care “team” has mentioned this result to me otherwise. So I haven’t had a chance to ask if that explains the neck pressure that comes with my headaches, or the warmth across my neck and shoulders, or any other questions.

Today

I am falling asleep sitting up! I can’t believe how tired I am! BossLady’s out of town for the weekend, so I don’t have to go in. I am taking a nap! I’ve been telling myself this for about two hours while I yawn and trudge my way through getting a surprising amount of phone calls made (3).

But now my whole body hurts, and it seems to be radiating from a center point of my right Sciatic area and culminate in a cramping lower leg. Oh, it hurts so much! That’s it. Bed for real now. Wasted day. Damn it.

More Normality

So, other than needing glasses, the ophthalmologist saw no abnormalities in my eyes. Due to untold (read: insurance) limitations, they could not write down the prescription for my glasses. Only refer me to be seen by another place.

But, the increased ocular pressure that was seen in my last eye exam is gone. She offered no reason that it would be gone, but I think I can blame it on the cannabis. So, no glaucoma for me today. Super happy about that.

I told her about auravision, and the cool effects of the red/greens. With no obvious ocular abnormalities, the next step is to check for optic neuritis. So back to the dreaded MRI table. Whoo-hoo… Wonder if I can bring a blanky and a lumbar pillow.

While the doc checked my eyes I noted that looking up-right made my eyes hurt, that the light blur around the spot I was told to watch changed shape when the doc turned my head this way and that. I don’t think that’s supposed to happen, and she didn’t look half as amused at the shape-shifting as I was at the time. It also bothered me a little that the numbing eye drops killed the “headache” part. Does that mean that the pain is actually originating in my actual eye rather than a headache? I think it must this time, because now that I can feel my eyes again the pain has returned (with a sandpaper feel, though I think that’s me being tired).

Tomorrow I shall schedule the MRI, and proceed ever onward. For now, mismatched pupils is called Asocoria, which David Bowie had. Which means nothing, but whatever.

Bedtime. My head/eye/brain hurts.

Here I go again.

In through the back door, through Ophthalmology.

At first they put me off until April, and it became part of the bubble. The ever-growing bubble of things that are too far off to worry about. But suddenly they called tonight to offer me an appointment tomorrow! I barely have time to panic.

The Law of Lucy says that my Wonky Eye will return to it’s dormant phase now, and stay thus until another unsuspecting time. The big question then becomes whether or not the eye doctor can still see whatever is going on.

My last eye visit was quite a number of years ago. Five years, maybe. There was something then, found by the exam, not the symptoms… Not glaucoma. But, increased ocular pressure. Was that the right eye? I don’t remember well enough to say.

And what shall I say to describe whatever it is that my vision does, when it does that thing it does? They ask about double vision, but I don’t know if it’s that or not. It would have to be more like, superimposed on top of itself like a shadow -vision. “Shadow vision sounds like there’s darkness involved, but really, if anything sometimes there’s color or light. Auravision? If that’s not a media company yet, someone should make one and name it that. What if the fix to Auravision is to actually walk around with 3D glasses on? If it is, they aren’t covered and they cost too much.

Ok, that’s enough stuff and nonsense about that. Tomorrow I shall either have more of an answer, or not. Either way it will come, and either way it will pass.

The Bat and the Mattress

I need a room. Why do people yell that at kissing couples, but not offer it to those that could really use one?

Do you want to know why it’s “always the quiet ones” that lose their shit? Because those are good people that have been simmering, and have slowly lost all access to ventilation.

I need a place to scream in anger, to scream in pain, to dissolve into a puddle of grief and anguish. As necessary to vent this torrent of feeling …without terrorizing my son. A room with a Nerf bat and a mattress against the wall. Is that so much to ask?

Oh, your tax money. Right.

I’ll just go buy a gun.

Showers

Hot showers used to be heaven. I could stand under the water until every bit of warmth had soothed my body and the water had gone cool.

Today, halfway through the shower I am in so much pain my lower half can’t support my upper. I literally have to cross my arms below my breasts and lift them up to remove the weight from my spine. This makes completing the shower pretty difficult.

What can I even do with a back that won’t support my body?

Now that it’s over I need to summon the strength to dry my hair and finish dressing. With my bra on the pain is starting to become dull. But I need to lie down right now more than I feel capable of standing in the bathroom with a hair dryer.

What am I going to do with me?