Another Doctor Appointment Rope-A-Dope

How the fuck did I go in there looking for confirmation of my physical symptoms, and end up having an appointment focused on “PTSD-primary”?!

I am clearly going to need to go back over this one.

Ok, so at the beginning of the appointment, the MA got sort of serious-looking while getting me checked in. I felt at the time that she was seeing notes from my previous visits with the LNP. Those notes would have reflected her concern and conclusions, complete with physical assessments- which at that time included my mismatched pupils and hypperreflexivity. (Remember, she took down the shopping list. Although, she didn’t ask much about it.)

It’s the doctor that didn’t seem to spend much time on the events since last we’d met. He came in with his usual “What’s going on”, and I told him that I am still having the numbness and pain that I had two visits ago. He then went directly into asking where I was in terms of finding a counsellor.

It was the subject change that bothered me. I felt like it was my mental health that was his main concern, despite my concerns being clearly elsewhere. So the question is, is this subject change his way of silencing my complaints or “blowing off” my concerns?

Since it was the Doc that originally suggested I joint the PAC , he obviously knows my connection to that same group, and thus knows only too well that if I have a problem, it will be mentioned in one way or another.

He has surprised me before, by understanding when I was imploding and not holding it against me, but instead diffusing my anger.

*Could he have made my mental health the focus, and written “PTSD-Primary” because he understands what I am doing to myself and how it’s interfering with my ability to communicate what’s going on? That would make the PTSD legitimately a primary concern. But where the LPN actually put physical symptoms in the way of diagnostics, so that those things would actually be in my record, Doc seems to err on the side of not writing anything that hasn’t been (what? proven?)

He said he does think that I need to see the neurologist. I confirmed that. He said he definitely agrees that I should see the neuro. But is he humoring me, just thinking that if all of these specialists send me home I’ll finally be convinced there’s nothing wrong with me?

What happens if I see the neuro and that doc finds nothing provably wrong? What happens then to the pain and the tingling and the funky things? They don’t go away just because there isn’t a name.

That’s my fear. It isn’t an irrational fear, because it’s what has happened before, and would be more of a continuing hell than a new course to navigate.

But maybe this time will be different. All I can do is wait on the neuro.

I think I was hoping Doc would bring something new to the table. A question, a theory, a thought… Something. Maybe his harping on the counsellor was his way of saying that IS the thing he can work on (the PTSD getting in my way).

But still, at the end of the day I can’t be the leader of this adventure. I am not the doctor. So if the one with the schooling and the paycheck isn’t going to lead, maybe what’s needed is a new one.

I don’t know what else to do.

I wonder if keeping LittleMan with this Doc is a bad idea? I’ve mentioned his symptoms many times, and always, there too I have to be the leader.

Is it really so hard to find a doctor who still has curiosity, drive and compassion? Surely there must be someone out there.

Here they come…

The Holidays approach. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, they’re coming.

I feel the nothing enveloping me.

The one who broke my heart is the first to ask if I have plans. Not out of concern for me, of course. Out of concern for his own dilemma.

‘Tis the season where all of the people who’ve left and forgotten me, come to impose upon me and my spoons while judging me and validating my pain.

Bah fucking humbug.